Love

Three years ago, Brian and I found out we were pregnant with what we thought would be our second baby. Within a week's time, we saw our precious child in a sonogram picture, and then learned that we had miscarried. What a devastating time. Memories of that time have been flooding my mind lately, and I am not sure why. I'm not usually very big on "anniversaries" of this type, but I can't help but feel that I need to "voice" my thoughts about all these thoughts that keep swimming in my head.

My heart is heavy. I know women every day experience what I did three years ago. Some similar, some more devastating. I have learned of so many recently who carried their babies further through their pregnancy and then miscarried, and several who have delivered their children, only to bury them soon after. Life seems so unfair in many ways; but even more frustrating when it involves children. We want to find an explanation for why these types of things occur, and the fact is, we may never know. I heard a preacher recently speak on this idea. He said something to the effect of, we hope that one day when we get to heaven, we'll be able to ask God why this happened, or why that didn't happen, and the fact is, when we get to heaven, it won't be on our minds to ask. He referenced a verse, and forgive me for not knowing it, yet still speaking to it, where God says, you think you know the depths of me, but you really don't. It was in that moment that I believe the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I am o.k. with not having an explanation for why our child didn't live. I'm o.k. with knowing that our baby is in the arms of our Creator, hearing the sweetest lullaby ever sung by the ultimate songwriter. There must truly be an awesome nursery of sorts in heaven. One I can't even imagine. Aren't capable of imagining.

Today we signed up to sponsor a child at our church through Gospel for Asia. She's a sweet girl, 14 years old. And while I will never comprehend the understanding my precious six year old has of this world, the things she says are truly remarkable. In the car on our way to her soccer game this afternoon she said to me, "Mommy, I'm so excited that we are helping this girl in India. It's like I have another sister. You know, you have two kids, me and Levi - and then one baby in heaven with Jesus. . .but this is like another one."

To our God, we are all his children. Blessings. Truly. Life is precious. It's numbered, and only God knows the numbers assigned to us. But, as our pastor is preaching on in Genesis, he desires us. He seeks us out. He wants to know us, intimately. And we fight him or ignore him, for what? Because we're hurt, because we're selfish - we want things our way, because we just don't think we have the time? Today we heard from a man who works for Gospel for Asia. He talked about how we need to become like children in order to enter into the Kingdom. He explained how much God LOVES children, and wants to take care of them. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that the baby I didn't get to hold is being lovingly held by Him. And I'm in love with that thought. I know He understands the thoughts I have, the hurt I still have, and he cares.